joy – Esther Wane

February 15, 2019 By Esther Wane

From a Flickering Candle to an Eternal Flame

Ten Steps to Using Positive Emotion to Keep the Light of Joy Burning in Your Life

All emotion is positive emotion. When we are feeling something it is because we are alive. To be alive is a gift. This chance we have to be here now is one that is unique to each of us, and that we are able to feel the experience, is a wonder.

It may not always seem that way, especially when we are in the grip of fear, grief, pain or anger but all emotion is a privilege and is to be welcomed as an honoured guest. It is the running away from the discomfort, or the pushing it down, that leaves us stuck or makes us numb to the incredible joy of being alive.

For me, joy is not one of the positive emotions. If emotion is a river then, for me, joy is the river bed. It is the sense of being alive, full of possibility, of not knowing what will happen on our journey but being wholeheartedly involved in the ride of our life. This is what I feel when I am able to separate myself from my emotions, in those brief glimpses when I am pure awareness. I know that I have a sensation but am not attached to it, merely watching it with curiosity, wondering what it is telling me about where I could step next.

But how do you move out of discomfort? Without throwing things in temper or screaming in pain, without overeating, drinking alcohol or taking pills to suppress the emotion, how do you nudge yourself and fill your life with the light

The first step I would advise is not to block any emotion, to learn to step away from it and be interested. Where is it in your body? What shape is it? What is it doing to your breath? Does it have a colour? What do you want to do as a result of it? As you will see this leads to a sense of curiosity, inviting the positive emotion, interest, into your view of this discomfort.
Next I would ask you to lean into that emotion, let it take its full expression and move through you as energy asking to be experienced. This may be something you can do with someone else alongside you or alone. The idea is not to throw your discomfort into another’s lap but to own it as your own, expressing it through your voice, your body, your tears. As the energy subsides and catharsis arrives you may feel a sense of serenity suffuse your being.
In this state of calm awareness it would be wonderful to walk in the open air. As you do so look up at the sky and know, however cloudy it may be, that beyond its temporary covering is a vast universe stretching many millions of miles away. That sky is filled with billions of galaxies, the lights from distant stars still reaching us many years after their death. This may incite awe in you, it certainly does in me, especially when I picture those colourful swirling swarms of stars way beyond the Earth’s atmosphere.
Let this wonder inspire you to wish upon a star for the realisation of a dream of your own. Take that inspiration and set to work planning how you will create something unique and beautiful that leaves an imprint of you on the world you inhabit.
Bathe your plan in the light of hope that your dreams may come to pass. This will give you the resilience you need to work on crafting that plan and bringing it into being, step by (sometimes painful) step.
Take pride in each tiny success you have as you bring your creation into being, whether it is a work of art, a piece of writing, a home, a business or a nurtured relationship. It is not easy to create, it asks us to bring to it all that we are, our strength and our vulnerability. To be bold enough to embrace creativity is worthy of celebration.
If things are not going as you wanted or expected find humour in your situation. You may find something to laugh at in your own struggles to attain a new skill. I certainly laughed a lot about my first attempts at sound production, having so little idea about how things worked that I’d ordered various magical boxes but no leads to attach them to each other or my computer. This lightness and willingness to be a little ridiculous, to not know everything, to be a beginner is a helpful antidote to our weighty and overbearing sense of responsibility.
As you find ways to overcome these hurdles and move closer to your goal be grateful that you have found the resources you need to make this happen. Take time to recognise those who have helped you as you have made progress and the experiences that have made the process enjoyable.
Share your creation with someone you love and bask in the ability to give of yourself with love. Let yourself recognise that love is infinite, you can never run out of it. In fact the more of it you give away, the more you find yourself receiving. It is not something to be jealously guarded, it is a treasure you want everyone to take from you.
As you take each breath along the way, give yourself a chance to rest in awareness that you have this opportunity to be here now, to dive fully into the mystery of life and allow your body to be filled with the simple joy of existence.

These ten simple steps allow you to make joy the eternal flame you carry with you through all the challenges of your life. We cannot avoid the things that would plunge us into darkness but we can steadfastly continue to burn with a gentle and persistent light, brought into existence by the life itself.

Looking back on these steps and on my previous blog consider the following:

Is your happiness level allowing you to thrive? Is it around or above 3 positive emotions to 1 negative emotion? What is your ratio, according to Barbara Fredrickson’s questionnaire, over the past two weeks: POSITIVITY RATIO.
How is your gratitude practice going? Have you noticed it having any effect on your general sense of happiness?
Are there any of the positive emotions that you feel are missing in your life? Is there a simple step you can take to invite more of it in? I found that humour was not as prevalent as I would like so every day I look for something that makes me laugh and try to savour it.

If you enjoyed reading this blog come and join me in my Facebook group Inspiring Thriving and let me know how you are getting on.

February 1, 2019 By Esther Wane

Light in the Darkness

January and February can be difficult months to navigate. The twinkly sparkling lights of Christmas have gone along with the midwinter celebrations and we are thrown into two months of darkness thanks to shorter days; often with illness and exhaustion to contend with as well as the lack of light. It can feel like forever that we wait for the snowdrops to arrive and we can easily lose track of the positive parts of our lives in that period where we wake in the dark, work, return home in the dark and pray for the Spring to arrive.

We can also turn against ourselves and those we love as we grapple with our new year resolutions and struggle to maintain the new version of us we so wanted to embrace with the first of January. Our expectations may well have been unrealistic but instead of reframing our aims and taking a gentler approach we may slip into disappointment. This disappointment can spiral down into despair, leaving us in the grip of a shame that tells us we are not worthy of joy.

I am here to tell you that you are worthy of joy as well as the other positive emotions studied by Barbara Fredrickson and discussed in her book “Positivity”. We all stumble from time to time but we don’t need to stay down. We can stand back up again. Sometimes we need a little help, a hand to hold as we scramble back to our feet, a shared smile before we continue on our journey, a recognition that we are not alone in our challenges or our triumphs.

Positivity is not about being positive all the time. Barbara Fredrickson’s research in fact deals in ratios of negative to positive emotions rather than absolutes. The experimental results suggests that the following ratios are a guide to thriving:

1 to 1 indicates a level of depression and helplessness;
2 to 1 is the ratio for someone who is surviving but feels a little under water most of the time;3 to 1 is the magic balance that will lead to us thriving, engaging in an upward spiral where each pleasant encounter with a little touch of happiness builds on the next.
11 to 1 is the ceiling for positive encounters versus negative emotions, simply because life isn’t always sunshine, but then if it were there would be no space for rainbows.

We don’t have to be walking around, blind to the things that make us uncomfortable, angry, sad, or bewildered, we just need to foster a little perspective, a healthy balance. And from a positive place where we are thriving we have so much more energy to right some of those wrongs that leave us fuming. Instead of embracing negativity and hopelessness we can recognise our own agency, our own potential for improving the situation.

The emotions that we don’t enjoy are there for a reason. They are signs to us that something needs to change and the discomfort is there to encourage us to take action. Boredom, frustration, anger, guilt, all warn us that something is awry that requires our attention and by taking steps to relieve them we can move towards a more positive outlook again.

In her research Barbara Fredrickson has identified ten positive emotions that we will want to foster and invite into our lives to help us thrive. These are:

Joy – Those moments of happiness where we smile and feel warmed by the good fortune we are experiencing, whether holding our child, being surrounded by friends or finding ourselves at a concert we’ve been dreaming of.
Gratitude – The feeling of being thankful for something we have received, either simply through being alive, through our own actions or through the generosity of others.
Serenity – A sense of contentment and calm, the type of feeling that comes from meditation, a gentle walk along a beach or sinking into a warm bubble bath.
Interest – The spark of curiosity that encourages us to ask questions, to find out more, to learn and grow.
Hope – The flower that blooms in the darkest despair. Hope is what guides us when it feels as if life is working against us. The light of hope helps us believe in a better tomorrow and can give us the strength to continue through the bleakest of days.
Pride – A sense of achievement at a task well done, the glow of succeeding at a challenge we have set ourselves.
Amusement – The thing, people or pets that make us laugh or smile, lifting our lips and our hearts in the process.
Inspiration – This comes from the stories of people who have gone before us and risen to the challenges they faced to become more than anyone every expected or believed they could.
Awe – These are the things that take our breath away, a glorious sunset, the sight of a mountain range or a rare and beautiful work of art.
Love – The greatest of all positive emotions, the reason we are, the reason we struggle and the reason we are willing to let go of what we want to satisfy another’s needs.

Some of these are highly active emotions but many can be expressed or sensed in a calm and gentle way. They can be sparks that ignite a burning flame or more of a sustained flicker. It does not take much light to remove darkness, a tiny candle spreads its aura way beyond itself and such is true of the positive emotions as well. They can flood us with warmth and excitement or gently remind us that light has not left, even when we feel we may drown in the dark.

If we want to light that candle in our lives this winter we first need to bring our attention to how we are feeling before taking a small step to brighten the flame we are carrying. Here are two simple steps to try over the next two weeks

Test your positivity ratio by doing Barbara Fredrickson’s questionnaire: POSITIVITY RATIO. Taking this short quiz every day for two weeks will give you a good idea of where you are.
Begin a gratitude practice. At the end of each day, for the next two weeks, write down three things that have gone well during the day and why.

In the next blog we will look further at how to increase your positivity and turn that flickering candle into an eternal flame.

July 19, 2017 By Esther Wane

Spark Joy

Over a year ago I was browsing in a bookshop and picked up Marie Kondo’s book “Spark Joy” to have a look at it. I flicked through the pages on the neat tidying of clothes and ordered folding of things and put it back down again, certain that was all a bit too restrictive for my taste and determined that I was fine the way I was. The way I was involved a t-shirt drawer that stuck every time I opened and closed it, jammed up by the overspilling contents, yet still surprisingly refusing to surrender something I really wanted to wear. I lost clothes I’d loved down the back of the wardrobe as they fell off hangers, pushed aside by my latest purchase of a near identical jumper or shirt and I dreaded going anywhere near my admin pile or post drawer; even less the “what’s it for” drawer, filled with pens, old batteries and other assorted detritus.

But I didn’t need any help. I was tidy. I kept things reasonably neat and learned to stop looking at the ever increasing piles of chocolates, children’s drawings, bags of crisps, post and plastic boxes of toys stacked around my house. I occasionally daydreamed about moving somewhere bigger so I could transfer the mess somewhere else and put it in cupboards so I couldn’t see it.

Besides I was setting up my own business so I should be beyond the concerns of my house and wasn’t it time to let that go anyway. I had astutely refused to listen to the NCT lady who advised me to let my standards slip when I had a new baby, making sure the bed was made, I was showered, dressed and wearing make up every morning, yet here I was now, many years later, wandering around in yoga kit and ignoring the mess that was starting to suffocate us.

I went into another bookshop and picked up the book again. It looks beautiful, calm and serene. It attracted me and I flicked through it again. This time I bought it. I was interested. Did I mention how gorgeous it looks? I’m not sure if I thought the simple act of having it on my bookshelf would solve the problem but I had some inkling it might be a start. And then I read it. I didn’t want to enjoy it. I didn’t want to find any solutions inside it but as I read my desire to try out this magic of tidying started to grow and take hold of me. I was unsure how it would go down with the whole family given my husband’s unwillingness to let things go and my son’s desire to have a bed covered constantly in cuddly toys but I could start with myself, couldn’t I?

So I did. I took her advice. I didn’t judge except by what made me happy, ignited a spark of joy inside me. I held each of my clothes in turn against me while standing in front of the mirror, my facial expression making it absolutely clear to me whether I loved this item or not. I jettisoned those tops and jumpers I’d bought as a “bargain” in the sales but which had never fit right or suited me. I removed the dress I had bought in excitement but when I’d worn it I didn’t like the way it moved when I raised my arms, it felt too much like a strait jacket. I said thank you to my stained t-shirts and sent them off to a new life.

I found the top I’d worn at university and had hidden in a bag behind everything else, afraid that my sentimental attachment to something I didn’t wear now made me weak or silly in some way. Marie had an answer for that. If you love something, even if you’re not going to wear it, put it somewhere, give it space where you can see and enjoy it. I see it every morning now when I open my wardrobe and it always makes me smile and wistfully takes me back to days where all I worried about were essay deadlines and who was going out dancing that night. I remember the girl I used to be and see the woman she has become and I feel glad of my journey.

After clothes I attacked my collection of make up and I call it a collection because most of it deserved to be in a museum. I used to have several boxes full of old eyeshadows and blushers unused for many years. Now I have one bag containing the stuff I really love. Then I did face my admin pile, shredding and recycling years of accumulated paper that I no longer needed. I even let go of a few books that I either didn’t like or had duplicated, not an easy thing for a book lover like me.

At the end I looked at my possessions anew. I could see my clothes, all of them, thanks to the particular way of folding suggested by Marie. I could find the right underwear since those drawers were also immaculate and I also knew where I had gaps that needed filling. It made me happy, it sparked joy in me to see it all aligned, cared for and proudly displayed.

A little later my husband decided he wanted to go through this too, so we did the same for him. Thanks to the advice to keep what makes you happy it no longer became a battle of me meanly trying to strip him of his beloved belongings but a chance for both of us to discover what he did genuinely like.

A year or so later and we are still folding the Marie way and have expanded it to our children as well as the rest of the house. We didn’t move but we did extend and in doing that we committed to keeping what sparks joy in us and letting go of everything else. That doesn’t mean never having anything useful because my favourite corkscrew makes me very happy, as does the fancy screwdriver with four choices of end, so they have house space too. What it does mean is that we, or at least I, can find pretty much anything in the house and that we can take proper care of our things because we care about them. When the joy is no longer there we can thank them and pack them up for their new life, recycling them rather than hanging on to them long past their moment of usefulness.

And what does this mean for my business? For one thing I am less distracted by my house now as everything has its place and it sparks joy rather than shame in me. For another it has helped me take the same philosophy into this part of my life. I want to work and play with people who spark joy in me. I want to do work that makes me happy and lets me spread that joy to others. And I don’t need to explain to anyone what that might be. I have loved doing e-learning for medical procedures, adored creating audiobooks and enjoyed matching my voice to corporate animations. Recently I surprised myself with excitement at acting for video games and I look forward to discovering new pleasures as well as deepening existing ones. Letting this small lovely book come onto my bookshelf has led to sparks of joy setting off all over my life like a firework display, leaving me free to devise the perfect accompanying music.